Most of us have to deal with someone who is aggressive or controlling at some point: a coworker, a relative, a neighbor, sometimes a partner. You cannot change how another person behaves. You can decide how you respond, and that is where your strength lies.
Start with your own footing
Aggressive people often set the pace of a conversation. Slow it down. Take a breath before you answer, keep your voice even, and give yourself permission to say, “I need to think about that.” A calm response is not weakness. It keeps you in charge of your side of the exchange.
Be clear about your limits
Decide ahead of time what you will and will not accept, then say it plainly: “I’m willing to talk about this, but not while I’m being shouted at.” A limit is not a threat or a punishment. It is a statement of what you will do, and it only works if you follow through.
Don’t take the bait
Some people push to get a reaction. Arguing every point, defending yourself at length or matching their volume usually gives them what they came for. Short, steady answers do more. You do not have to attend every argument you are invited to.
Choose your distance
With some people, less contact is the healthiest choice. Where you cannot avoid someone, as at work, keep exchanges brief and focused on the task, and keep a record of serious incidents in case you need to involve a supervisor.
Know when it is more than a difficult personality
Control that includes threats, isolation from friends and family, monitoring your phone or money, or any physical harm is abuse, and it is not something to manage alone with communication tips. If that describes your situation, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at any hour at 1-800-799-7233, or by texting START to 88788. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Dealing with a controlling person can leave you doubting your own judgment. Talking it through with a counselor can help you sort out what is happening and what you want to do about it.